Hot trends for 2011

There are so many blogs about how to dress/ act/ pee guides out there, it can be difficult to know what's really cool.

get a double chin: they are sexy versatile and undoubtedly the next big thing. Everyone out there is telling you that double chins are not sexy. But why? They provide useful protection between the blade of a knife and your carotid artery, they liven up parties and everyone becomes more jolly with a double chin. pass the buns

This season get people talking about your for the right reasons: Get an STD, and then get treatment. Everyone knows that if you have had an STD A) you must be a playaa, which by the way girls LOVE and B) you must have shown great inititative to get the treatment for it. . If you are too ugly to get an STI yourself just checkout this handy webby http://crabrevenge.com/, where you can buy your very own pubic parasites.

Being "bisexual" or a pseudo-lesbian has totally lost the shock factor these days. I've done it, you've done it we've all had our go at fucking another woman with varying degrees of failure. If you are in a relationship and you think having a threesome will be a jovial way to spice up your rapidly stagnating sex-life, then you would be wrongo. Statistics show that 4 out of 5 first time threesomers end in the break down of a relationship due to our many insecurities (see above).  A new way to add that spice back into your relationship is to get your manjina out. Is it just me or are manjinas totally sexy? I love lapping away at my man's freshly shaved vagina.

I've been away for ages

So apparently the house that crack built is teetering on the edge of the downwards spiral that is moral decline. I can't say it's an unfamiliar position for me (on my back with my legs in the air) , from what I can gauge all the term really means is that we have been floating downwards through the bottomless pit to khole for a while . Looking at the world through a  veil of blurred images and incomprehensible sentences as  introduced a strange sense of paranoia  but whatever. Basically I've been too busy to post.

Daisy Devine solves all your problems...

Dear Daisy, I am writing to complain. I followed all the advice you gave on how to woo my man on valentines, and my boyfriend dumped me. In fact the only thing that did go down well was tip number one. I thought that you were some sort of relationship guru but you have really let me down.


Eleanor Hart


P.s. please don't publish my name.

Oh dear... It was supposed to be like a joke. You cannot learn the art of wooing a man ... or can you?

How to please your man this Valentine's day

So tomorrow is valentine's day, and I'm sure all you ladies out there have only one thing on your mind: How to please your man. Who cares what our ancestral sisters died for when there's dick to suck and men to fuck right? Research shows there is a direct correlation between your head giving abilities and the caliber of husband you can realistically hope to secure (if only Jane Austin had known, Pride and Prejudice would have been a much shorter novel)

1.  Ideally you should learn to be a lady on the street and a freak in the bed. Get on your hand and knees and take it like a man sister. Instead of buying him chocolates which you hope you will be ale to consume whilst his attention is diverted, you should buy him "Deep Throat" (70's porn is sexy and funny). Then whilst he's watching it do a bit of deep throating of your own (on him obviously).

2. Cheat on him with his best friends. Treat em mean keep em keen. Everyone knows that. The best way to win over your man this valentines is to fuck his best friend, rilling up his animal instincts, resulting in an enormous fight for your affections. You should stand by with mud and jelly to throw over them during the fight- your great sense of humor will shine through and your guy will be putty in your hands (hopefully not literally. If so refer back to step 1).

If you are lucky this will also end in a threesome.

3. Don't laugh at his jokes and act interested in anything he has to say. You should always act cool and aloof. You should undermine him by making him feel stupid, and fat... Once you have broken his spirit this way he will never stray from your cold loveless bosom and you can look forward to a long and sexless marriage.

4. Give him a mangasm. And by that I mean shove your fingers up his ass and stimulate his G-spot. You should spring this on him without any warning, in my experience men appreciate this far more than if they are forewarned.

5. Oh yea and finally, let him put it up your bum. Evey man wants to. If he doesn't he's probably gay or some shit.

Happy valentines day lovers

D.D xxx

Daisy Devine solves all your problems

Yesterday I got an email from a very distressed young lady. Now I am legally obliged to warn you that I'm no Derren Brown, but i did once sleep with a man who looked just like mystic Meg, so I think it's fair to say my  psychic judgement can be taken pretty much as fact.

Dear Daisy, The other night I had a dream that my boyfriend and I were on a train and he asked me how I felt about watching him have sex with another man. I know it was just a dream but I am really freaked out. Does this mean that he is gay? Have I finally turned him?

It is very clear to me what the meaning behind this dream is. With my extensive analytical experience I can tell you that the train symbolises you must make a transition in your life: A red train means that you should buy a cow, a blue train that you should spice up your sex life with role play.
The main message behind the dream is that you will be killed if you do not make the right choice. I hope you remember what colour that train was.

Hope this helps

Daisy Devine

xxx






Do you have a problem you need answering? Email me at secretlivesofstudents@hotmail.co.uk , and I will use my ever growing wealth of knowledge to help get you out of that pickle.

Daisy Devine analyses you...

Your result? Dirty fuckers

So here is a screen shot of how you all stumbled across this blog. The section highlighted in red is what you (yea you) googled to arrive at this point. But hey don't worry we're all freaks here, so shove an orange in your mouth, pop another anal bead up there and have a good read.

Love Daisy Devine
xxx

P.S. necrophilia is still illegal- wear a condom

My night as a stripper. Next step- crack whore!

So I'm back at uni, the students loan company have fucked everything up the wall as per, I'm poor, cold and stone-cold fucking sober. The natural solution to such a situation is obviously to sell a part of me, for gold. My virginity was an obvious one, but unfortunately I gave that away on the back seat of the coach on a school trip when I was 14. Perhaps I could sell some form of intellectual property? However, it turns out nobody considers my theory that Cheryl Cole is really an alien from Tralfamadore worth paying for. My body? Oh yea ok, now we're getting somewhere, but my fear of AIDS makes prostitution a risky avenue. It was my friend layla* who solved the problem: Stripping, DUH. A job which entails getting drunk and acting like a slutty whore! Yay, wohoo, great. I usually do that for the price of a bottle of white lightening anyways.

After my night spent with candy the stripper, I've been eager to get my gash out for cash too. The opportunity was presented to me by my friend Layla*. Layla had been stripping for a few weeks after a chance encounter in the Primark lingerie section- risqué. Layla asked me if I would like to be her tag-team partner and naturally my curiosity on the subject lead me to accept her proposition immediately. It is highly fortuitous might I add that Layla is a total hotty- nice rack and a pert little ass, because (unbeknownst to me when I accepted the offer) the  purpose of a tag-team is to corner a group of men and offer them an intimate lesbian routine.

In the changing room as we were getting ready, the talk focussed mainly on strap-ons and fisting, it turns out most strippers really are lesbians (bonus). This was followed by a motivational orgy, where said tips on fisting were put to good use (only joking). As we ascended the stair case to the floor, I cannot deny even I felt uncharacteristically nervous. However, a couple (of hundered) free drinks later I was just another drunk slut about town, ready to get naked for the first man with a bald head and a beard (personal preference).

The night got off to a swinging start, as Layla and I performed a Lesbian dance (£60 for 9 minutes). The routine was pretty simple: A little grind here, suck of the nipple there, some pretend cunnilingus, and a few cheeky spanks for good measure, not forgetting the optional dirty whispering in the old bastard’s ear.

As the night drew on I got progressively drunker, as did the men in the bar. Who by the way were all old, fat and strangely either Scottish or Albanian. By the end of the night I was staggering round offering any inanimate object the opportunity to see me grind “my pale naked ass” on their “wrinkly brown cock”. Funnily enough this approach did not constitute great success. I have to say, despite the insulting chat-up lines, my less than average beauty and my inability to support myself, let alone dance by the end of the night,  I felt as though I took to stripping like a duck to water, although for a true appraisal of my abilities you would be better asking one of the clients. In the end I made over £500 for what I’m sure most of you ladies (and gentlemen?) will agree was a pretty standard night on the tiles. So come down next week and I’ll do you mates rates yea?

 Highs: Opening the pay packet to see the sweet oxford scholar.

Lows: Some guy telling me he had mastered the “one handed trick”. Um what?


Words: Daisy Devine